My Immortal 2: The Revenge of Ebony
by Spymaster E
Summary: Ebony the gothic poser Mary Sue from My Immortal has escaped from Hell. Now with diminished powers, she enlists the help of several notorious Mary Sues in a plot for revenge. Also, Voldemort still speaks Pseudo-Shakespearean and has an evil lair. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

My Immortal 2: The Revenge of Ebony/Enoby/Egogy/Evony/Eboby/Ebonery/Ebpny/Tata

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters and I can thank God I don't own the My Immortal characters.**

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><p><strong>Introduction<strong>

Although the abomination that was the Mary-Sue Goddess Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way—or whatever the hell her name is—was thought to be defeated when My Immortal was snarked by the person writing the very words you are now reading, it turns out that she was able to escape from Hell.

How did she do it, you ask? It's simple. I wanted to write a mock sequel to My Immortal as a parody of sorts.

What? You didn't want the real reason? Okay in that case she was able to use what remained of her goffic powers to escape from Hell and the preppy claws of Justin Bieber. Obviously since Tara was no longer in control her powers were severely diminished and she would no longer be able to affect the characters of canon by herself. Fortunately for her, however, she was not the only Mary Sue who sought vengeance.

You know that other story I've been snarking? That one with gangsta Harry or "Turtle" or whatever? I haven't finished with that one yet but that doesn't matter because Ebony would be recruiting Turtle. Does it make sense? Of course not, but you try reading Imma Wiserd and see if you can make any sense out of it!

Other Mary Sues will be appearing, each of them from infamously bad fanfics that are not limited to the Harry Potter universe alone. Why are they appearing? Shut up! That's why!

Okay I'm getting bored now, just start the damn fanfic already!

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way—who from here on will be called Ebony—had died at the hands of Voldemort once canon had been restored to the Harry Potter universe. She was in Hell (and forced to date Justin Bieber) until she realized that she still had enough power to escape. She did that.

What, were you expecting a lengthy description about how events in the story take place? This is Ebony, remember? The only thing that gets described is her physical appearance and how much Gerard Way, Joel Madden, Marylyn Manson, and apparently Billie Joe Armstrong turn her on.

Since her powers were diminished due to the fact that her story was no longer being written by Tara Gilesbie, she was somehow intelligent enough to know that she would need help if she wanted to take back Hogwarts and the Harry Potter universe back from the stupid preppy fuckers. There were other infamous Mary Sues that could help her, but first she would need to get their contact information.

Just then, her friend Willow appeared out of thin air. How this happened was not adequately explained but Ebony didn't care. She needed all the help she could get.

"OMFG, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" Ebony asked quietly even though the dialogue was in all caps. "Do you know how fucking hard it was to have date Justin Bieber down in Hell!"

"Oh my Satan!" Willow gasped, horrified that her friend had been forced to deal with an even bigger poser than she was. "How long were you down there?"

"Three. Fucking. DAYS!" said Ebony, shuddering. "It was so fucking terrible! You have no fucking idea how fucking hard it was not to be able to fucking swear for no fucking reason!"

"OMS that is so not kawaii!" Willow gasped. "What are you going to do?"

Ebony glared in the direction she though Hogwarts was. "I'm going to gather all of the amazing people rejected from the mainstream and march through Hogwarts and MAKE everyone worship me again!" she declared.

"Um, not to sound like a prep but Hogwarts is that way," she pointed in the direction opposite of where Ebony was glaring.

Ebony turned around sheepishly. "Oh…I knew that. Do you have a cell phone?"

"Yeah, what for?" Willow asked.

"I'm going to call everyone that those stupid preps ever rejected. We are going to march through Hogwarts and MAKE everyone worship me again!" Ebony declared, completely unaware of the fact that she was repeating herself.

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><p>Meanwhile, Voldemort was in his evil lair talking with his minions. Yeah, I know I started the Battle for Hogwarts at the end of the last story but I decided to change this because shut up.<p>

As I was saying, Voldemort was in his evil lair. It was a very cliché evil lair, right down to the skeletons hanging from the walls and the screams of people being tortured echoing throughout the cave. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it was a cave. Sorry about that.

_Anyway_, Voldemort was in his evil lair talking with his minions. His minions included several people you would expect and several people you would not. They were assembled in front of him, paired from left to right in the order of the most reasonable to most absurd.

Here's who they were: Bellatrix LeStrange, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Loopin (and NOT Lupin), Adolf Hitler, Edward Cullen, Darth Vader, Bowser, Ganondorf, the guy from the "WOW THAT'S A LOW PRICE" commercials, and Jigglypuff.

Yes, you read that right. _Jigglypuff_ is there. Want to know why? Because that little pink ball is **evil**. Seriously, it puts everyone to sleep by singing and then it draws on their faces with **permanent marker**! Do you have any idea how long it takes to scrub that stuff off!

"I thanketh thee all for coming to my meeting!" Voldemort announced. Yes, he's still speaking Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe. Why? Because it's funny. "What art thou ideas?"

"As long as it doesn't involve doing what you did last time, I'm fine with anything,"  
>Snape said.<p>

"That was merely a setback," Voldemort declared. "That Ebony girl no longer hath any power over me."

"Then why are you still speaking Pseudo-Shakespearean?" asked Malfoy.

"I shall speaketh the way I wanteth to!" Voldemort snapped. "And if thou hath any problem with it, I shall kill thee!"

"Yes, my lord," the normally haughty Malfoy groveled pathetically.

"Now, I thinketh I shall choose the Low Price Commercial Guy for my first mission!" Voldemort declared, pointing at Low Price Commercial Guy.

"WOW!" he said in an absurdly loud voice because he had no Indoor Voice. "THAT'S A GREAT HONOR, MY LORD!"

"Yes," Voldemort said, holding his hands to his ears along with everyone else in the evil lair. "Thou shall be perfect for my plan."

"THAT'S AWESOME! SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN!"

"I wanteth thee to go to Hogwarts and kill thy headmaster Professor Dumbledore!" Voldemort ordered. "If thou is successful, thou shall be rewarded. If thou fails, I shall kill thee!"

"GREAT! I WON'T FAIL YOU! WOW! THIS IS AWESOME!" Low Price Commercial Guy enthusiastically got on his broomstick and flew off to Hogwarts.

"My lord, he's never going to succeed," Bellatrix started.

"Exactly," Voldemort grinned. "I just wanted him to be gone. He was very annoying. I'm sure that thou all agree?"

"Yes," said everyone else in the evil lair except for Jigglypuff, who could only say its name.

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering. These guys aren't going to be the main villains. In fact, they don't even contribute to whatever plot this crack fic will have. They are here purely for comedic purposes.

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><p><strong> Will the Low Price Commercial Guy succeed? Stay tuned for the next chapter to find out!<strong>

** I'll give you a hint. He won't.**


	2. Chapter 2

My Immortal 2: The Revenge of Ebony/Enoby/Egogy/Evony/Eboby/Ebonery/Ebpny/Tata

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters and I can thank God I don't own the My Immortal characters.**

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><p><strong>Chapter One: Life in Hogwarts<strong>

Things in Hogwarts had mostly gone back to normal after the fall of Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way. The only thing that hadn't changed is that Albus Dumbledore still lost his temper during the occasional headache. This because Dumbledore acting like Samuel L. Jackson is hysterical.

It had taken the janitor Filch over a month to wash away all the black paint from the Great Hall, a task which made him even grouchier than usual. He wished he was able to do magic instead of being forced to clean things the way Muggles do. At least the job paid well enough for him to get the latest issues of _Penthouse_.

Professor Snape was back to his old job as potions master, although he wasn't nearly as good at keeping his cover in my fanfic as he is in the books. An example of this was when Hermione was given out a presentation on a potion which will not be named because I am too lazy to give it one.

"You see," Hermione said to the class in that confident and intelligent tone that Snape wished his Slytherin students had. "When you mixing the snake fangs with the corrosive hydrochloric acid, the liquid turns a very dark—"

"Dark!" Snape gasped. "I have NOTHING to do with ANY dark or unsavory characters or businesses and I most certainly NOT in cahoots with any dark lords if that's what you're wondering! I am COMPLETELY innocent! NOTHING suspicious about me! NOT AT ALL!"

The whole class stared at him.

"Um, don't worry about what I just said," Snape stammered, realizing what he had done for the fifth time that day. "I just have an—I have an—illness! Yes, I have a very rare form of—of—appendicitis that causes me to randomly said things like that. No worries."

"But sir," Hermione pointed out. "Appendicitis doesn't cause you too blurt out—"

"Are you correcting me?" Snape snarled. "You dare to correct a teacher?"

"Well, I was just pointing out that—"

"Five points from Gryffindor!"

Harry and Ron knew that there was no point in coming to Hermione's defense, lest he take away more points for bullshit reasons.

After class, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went down to the Great Hall to discuss which Snape they hated more.

"Well, the Snape that was here when that crazy poser had Hogwarts under her spell did try to kill us," Ron said, "But the normal Snape is just a total dick."

There was the sound of a record skipping. I realized I had made Ron sound Out of Character. I resolved to fix that.

"But the normal Snape is just a total prat," Ron said.

There, that's better.

"It wasn't as bad as that time another Mary-Sue made Hogwarts practice nudism," Hermione pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Harry shuddered. "I've never seen Ginny act like that before,"

"There was the time that wannabe gangsta came to the school and turned everything into a mind screw," Ron shivered at the memory. "Seriously, I never thought I'd see the Ku Klux Klan in Britain…"

"Are you talking about me?" demanded a cold voice and the trio looked up to see Snape glaring at them.

"No, sir," Harry said quickly.

"Oh really," Snape sneered, using his Legilimency. "You called me a total prat earlier, Mr. Weasley, that's five points from Gryffindor. As for you, Mr. Potter, I'll take away another five points because I don't like the way you looked at me just now."

The trio sighed. Everything was back to normal all right.

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><p>Back in America, Ebony and Willow logged onto a computer at an Internet Café. It was recruitment time.<p>

"This takes forever," Ebony growled, waiting for the obscenely slow loading page to change into the chat room. "And people ask me why I slit my wrists all the time?"

"Tell me about it," Willow agreed. "Bill Gates is such a prep!"

Finally, the chat room loaded.

"Time to go!" Ebony smirked, logging into her account xxxbloodywrists666xxx.

The following is a conversation between Ebony and other Mary-Sues on the chat room. You have my most sincere apologies if it is unreadable but spelling is not the strong suit of these people.

xxxbloodywrists666xxx: im heer lolz

xXxpottergangsta4evaxXx: yo wazzup homgurl!

EdwardCullenIzSmexy111: zomfg did u hav fun at da groop kuttin sesshion

xxxbloodywrists666xxx: lol totally Gerard way rox

xXxpottergangsta4evaxXx: yea butt nut az much az solja boi

ginnyweezlyizaslutlolz1: omfg how hav u ben u rok bich

xxxbloodywrists666xxx: o I hav ben fine how u ben fucker

ginnyweezlyizaslutlolz1: gr8 I went 2 watch da ring last nite lolz

xXxpottergangsta4evaxXx: do u need r help enoby

xxxbloodywrists666xxx: omfg yes I do pepul r such preps and dey suk lol haz any1 seen da last Harry Potter movie lol I waz so mad dat he and draco dint get togetha jkr is homophonic lolz

This conversation went on for quite a while. I will spare you the excruciating details and the horrific spelling and just tell you outright the after several hours Ebony had recruited these Mary-Sues and more.

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><p>Life continued as normal for the students and teachers of Hogwarts until a strange man who could only speak in all caps came crashing through the Great Hall windows during breakfast one day.<p>

"WOW!" Low Price Commercial Guy shrieked. "THAT'S SOME FLIMSY GLASS!"

"Why is it so easy for people to break into Hogwarts these days?" Professor McGonagall asked Dumbledore.

"There must be a flaw in the system," Dumbledore responded. He turned to the Low Price Commercial Guy and kindly asked, "I'm sorry to sound uninviting but we are trying to have breakfast right now. It is most distracting when people crash through the windows unexpectedly so if you would be so kind as to depart I would be much appreciative."

"SILENCE!" Low Price Commercial Guy shouted. "I HAVE COME ON A MISSION FROM VOLDEMORT HIMSELF! YOU MUST DIE, DUMBLEDORE!"

Dumbledore frowned, but his tone did not change. "Is that so? We'll I do have manage a school here so my death would be quite an inconvenience. Perhaps we could settle this in the future?"

"NO!" Low Price Commercial Guy shrieked, swooping down at Dumbledore. He missed but he ended up destroying Dumbledore's favorite stash of lemon drops.

"Oh no…" McGonagall's face paled.

"You shouldn't have done that…" Hagrid agreed.

Dumbledore took one long look at his beloved lemon drops and his eyes flared in a fiery rage. "Oh, it's on now, bitch!"

Dumbledore took out his wand. "Nobody fucks with my lemon drops!" he shouted, aiming a curse at Low Price Commercial Guy.

Low Price Commercial Guy groaned as the spell knocked him off his broom. He fell right in front of Professor Snape.

"Severus!" Dumbledore shouted. "Attack his week point for massive damage!"

Snape kicked Low Price Commercial Guy square in the spot where the sun don't shine.

"OOMPH!" shouted Low Price Commercial Guy before losing consciousness.

"Take this lemon drop killing piece of shit to the dungeons!" Dumbledore ordered.

Snape and Hagrid dragged the body down to those said dungeons as Dumbledore turned to address the Great Hall.

"In case any of you motherfuckers get any clever ideas about trying to harm my precious lemon drops, keep that little demonstration firmly in mind!"

The students of Hogwarts nodded in terror.

"Good," Dumbledore said. His eyes and voice became warm and friendly again. "Now I don't want to send you off to your classes on an empty stomach. Please, eat up."

"Remind me never to get on Dumbledore's bad side," Ron said, quivering.

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><p><strong> I'm going to have a lot of fun writing this! Enjoy!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

My Immortal 2: The Revenge of Ebony/Enoby/Egogy/Evony/Eboby/Ebonery/Ebpny/Tata

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters and I can thank God I don't own the My Immortal characters.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two: The Gathering of the Mary-Sues<strong>

You might think that the main villain of the story would have an evil lair like Voldemort hidden somewhere in a cave. But you would be wrong. It turns out none of the Mary-Sues like cold, damp, environments. Gee, isn't _that_ a big surprise?

A big source of conflict between the Mary Sues was that each one of them was obsessed with different things. While Ebony and Willow obviously like gothic things—or at least they like things that they _perceived _as gothic—one of the Mary Sues that was invited, Rose Potter of _The Girl Who Lived_, was into more normal things.

"Don't be such a prep!" Ebony growled as Rose objected to the life-size poster of Gerard Way hanging on the wall. "Gerard Way is the sexiest guy ever!"

"The sexiest guy ever is Justin Timberlake!" Rose countered.

"Who wants to listen to some Young Money?" asked the main character from I'm A Wizard, Turtle—or Soulja Boy Spirit Jackson or whatever his name was—in a Brooklyn accent.

"Shut up!" Rose and Ebony yelled.

"Young Money is now and always will be gay!" said Jenna Silverblade from _My Inner Life. _

"No, their songs are straight thuggin, yo!" Turtle said, his accent randomly changing to South Side Chicago. "Their beats are phat and they're lyrical geniuses!"

"Lyrical geniuses?" asked Rose incredulously. "I haven't heard a single song by Young Money that wasn't about doing drugs, bragging about getting money and pussy, treating women like crap, and behaving as though having a pimped out car was a symbol of manliness."

"You just don't get it!" Turtle growled, his accent now Baltimore.

"Guys," said Bella Swan of Twilight. "We won't get anywhere arguing over the lyrical quality of some rap group. We have to focus on taking down our enemies at Hogwarts."

"That's correct," Ebony agreed. "I've called you all here so we could join forces. Together, we are a power to be reckoned with. But first, I need some ideas on how to do this. We can't just go marching up to Hogwarts. With my powers diminished, we'll need to be sneakier. Does anyone have an ideas?"

An orange woman with a ridiculous hairdo and clothing even skimpier than Ebony's raised her hand.

"Anyone _besides _Snooki?" Ebony asked.

"Oh, fuck you!"

"I have one," offered Neil, the writer of _Hogwarts Exposed_. "I could try to force everyone to be nude again."

"Cool, but I don't think it's likely to accomplish much." Ebony sighed.

"We could pop a cap in all their asses," Turtle suggested, now with a South Boston accent.

"I already tried that," Ebony said glumly. "Guns don't work very well on people with magic."

"I could seduce everyone," suggested Jenna. "I'm one of the most powerful Mary-Sues of literary history. When I was in _My Inner Life_, I had the entire _Zelda _universe wrapped around my finger."

"That's right," Ebony's face lit up. "And unlike me, Rose, and whatever the black guy's name is—"

"It's Turtle," said Turtle, his accent changing to Southern.

"Whatever. Unlike me, Rose, and Turtle, they won't recognize you, Jenna. It's perfect. While you enthrall them, I'll prepare to storm the castle. They'll be totally defenseless!"

Ebony turned to the old man sitting in front of the pipe organ. "Now would be a great time for some sinister music. I'm about to let out an evil laugh."

The man nodded and played some cliché sinister organ music and Ebony let out some equally cliché evil laughter.

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><p>"It seems that thy Low Price Commercial Guy hath failed," Voldemort mused, looking down at his minions from his altar. Yes, he has an altar. Altars are cool. "Oh well. I didn't expecteth him to."<p>

"My Lord," Bellatrix suggested. "I believe that to kill Dumbledore, we need to try some more stealthy tactics."

"Yes," Voldemort agreed. "I believe I haveth just thy man for that!" He turned to Lucius. "I suppose that thou wish to redeemeth thyself, is that right?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Well, than considereth thee lucky!" Voldemort laughed mirthlessly. "For thou are to sneaketh into thy castle and killeth Dumbledore!"

At that precise moment, lightning struck and Voldemort let out an evil laugh.

"Ugh, that's so cliché!" Ganondorf groaned.

Voldemort glared at him. "AVADA KADAVRA!"

Ganondorf died.

"Now, where was I?" Voldemort asked himself. "Oh, yeah!"

Lightning struck once again and Voldemort continued his evil laugh.

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><p><strong> Looks like things are coming together now for Ebony. Stick around for the next installment!<strong>

** By the way, Young Money is the worst fucking rap group I've ever heard in my life.**


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